I spent two hours knitting and listening to my favourite BBC Radio 1 show (which I got a shout on because I tweeted about it). I hope I will finally finish this hat I started well over a year ago.
I’m also feeling like I’m starting to make myself the person I should be. It’s happening slowly, but I’m definitely getting there. I’ve always been comfortable in my skin but today I felt for the first time in my life, yeah this is exactly who I’m meant to be.
And he’s awesome.
This may sound like a very cynical statement to make but it’s actually one of the more positive realisations I’ve made over the past few months. The idea that there is only one person out there for you, or that you have a person destined for you is one fairy tale that I can no longer swallow. This does not mean that I no longer believe in love. It does mean that my love is something that will have to be earned, it will have to be mined from therock that has enclosed my heart since my break up.
I don’t think I have lost the ability to love. In fact I believe I am more ready to love than I ever was before. I am completely terrified of love. I will never allow myself to love like I did before without extreme caution. My love was shattered into pieces which I have spent the last few months picking up and putting back together. It’s the most difficult thing I have ever had to do in my life and I struggle with it daily. This I say with no hyperbole so I refuse to allow it to ever happen again. I will not let anyone break me like that again. I will love, but I will be damn sure about it before I do.
This is why I no longer believe in Soulmates. The idea makes everything sound so easy, like falling onto a huge fluffy bed. I will never fall again, I refuse to do something so stupid. I have met tonnes of guys since becoming single. I definitely know what I do not want in a future partner after these various failed experiments.
However there have been one or two glimmers of hope. Guys I don’t like saying goodbye to. Guys who I want to go on adventures with. Guys who make me feel passionate and optimistic. Guys who challenge me and make me feel ambitious. They have been extremely rare but these one or two guys make me feel like I can get past my failed relationship and find happiness in a couple once again.
I will love again, and it will be deep and wonderful. Today is not that day, but I believe it will happen. I’m keeping my chin up. I’m deciding what I want from my life, on my own. Finding the man who will fit in with that life will take some time and that’s okay.